Neither my husband nor I like to fight. Our first years together we spent avoiding conflicts, believing that keeping the peace between us was the only way of maintaining our marriage. As time went by, the unclarified judgments, the undercover discomforts and the unshared sorrow caused a deep fracture: two lonely hearts drowning among small and big resentments.
Thank God, we learned in time that it is often necessary to confront disagreements for the sake of our relationship. However, it is also good to learn to argue constructively.
Here are nine tips to get the most out of a good fight: *
- Keep the communication open and honest. Confront your spouse to express your own frustration, sadness or anger so the other will know. This will help to preserve confidence and avoid misunderstandings or “cold wars”.
- There is no winner or loser. In a constructive confrontation one seeks to know the two points of view. Begin knowing that both will have different perspectives because you are different people. Therefore, it is not about finding who is right, but about knowing the truth of each one.
- Talk about “me”, not “you”. Learn to say “I” and take responsibility for what you feel without blaming the other. A feeling is a spontaneous internal reaction that springs up in each one differently. You cannot blame anyone for your feelings. It is not right saying: “you make me feel (sad, angry, etc.)”, say: “I feel.
- Criticize the action, not your partner. For example, say: “you were late again”, and not: “you are unpunctual”. It is also good to say something positive before and after offering a negative comment.
- Respect each other. Make the commitment to respect each other no matter how hurt you may feel. It is not permitted to offend, to shout, or to say nicknames or bad words. Do not speak sarcastically either. Sarcasm has never been used to build. Instead, it just destroys the relationship.
- Maintain physical closeness. Being close to each other in a loving attitude holding hands or arms, will help you keep in mind who you are fighting with and prevent physical violence.
- Do not stray from the subject. If you are going to argue about something, focus on that topic. Avoid recalling other discussions or offenses from the past. As we all say: “The past is in the past and you have to move on”, if our intention is to go forward and build a better marriage relationship.
- Keep the disagreements between yourselves. Do not involve third parties. Finding parents or children as allies only weakens the trust between two of you and makes the problem bigger. No one can comment on your particular situation. If you need help, it is best to call in a third-party who will help you listen to each other and not judge who is guilty or innocent.
- Sleep together even after arguing. Sometimes physical contact can fix what words could not. In addition, saying good night is an affectionate act that can give you peace of mind and avoid insomnia, even if the discussion has to continue the next day.
Conclusion:
The act of fighting or confronting is healthy for our marital relationships, as long as the goal is to gain greater understanding and to build a strong foundation, not to win the argument. Under this principle, fighting becomes an act of love that builds and not that destroys the relationship.
Footnote:
* Text developed on the basis of World Marriage Encounter 2001, ‘Rules for Fighting’, Workbook, p. 28
