Your values ​​or mine?

Recently in a workshop in which my husband Carlos and I participated, we discovered the great impact that minimal differences of personal values ​​can have on our relationship. Far from what we thought, the best way to deal with these differences is not trying to choose the right alternative or looking for the middle point, but learning to appreciate each other more fully.

In his book “Love Takes Greatness,” Father Chuck Gallagher, S.J. † explains that in a good marriage relationship there must be a deep appreciation of each other. If I try to mold my husband’s values ​​to mine instead of accepting that he has values ​​that are important to him, our relationship will suffer. The author says that we should be open to the other’s way of thinking, not only for the purpose of considering their values ​​and see whether or not they adjust to my way of life, but to recognize the right of our spouse to have their own values and our privilege to be able to get involved in them.

We can only appreciate the values ​​of our spouse when we try to experience their principles and ambitions in the same way that he or she does. The idea is not to know their values ​​to evaluate them objectively and see if we like them or not, but to “put ourselves in their shoes” and feel them in the same way as our spouse.

Here it is pertinent to clarify that “value” is what I give importance or priority in my daily life, because a value is not value until it is lived. Value is what “moves” me to act in one way or another to achieve “that” that is important to me. For example, shortly after marrying, my husband and I observed a difference in values ​​with respect to our rest day. For me that day off was the opportunity to relax and stay at home doing nothing. The most valuable thing for me was being able to devote time as a couple. On the contrary, Carlos got up early and got ready to leave because for him the important thing was to make the most of the day shopping or solving household matters. The paramount value for him was to be responsible, using time productively.

Commonly, married couples seek to resolve these “differences of opinion” through rational discussions in which we try to clarify who has the most logical or correct argument, or seeking to negotiate a mid-point. The problem with this approach is that we forget that we are both unique and completely different people. It is not that one is good and the other is bad, nor that one way of thinking is better than the other, but that everyone gives priority to what they value most according to the person they are. We are both right!

Father Gallagher goes on to say that all values ​​are good (otherwise they would not be values), although as humans we tend to exaggerate some values over others. Therefore, the challenge that married couples have is to choose between two goods for each situation, the greater good. In the previous example, this approach would be equivalent to deciding each Sunday between living the value of Carlos’ productivity or my value of spending time together as a couple. As both benefit us, it is likely that we would have chosen to live each and every value over time, enriching our lives with both types of Sundays.

When we understand that we start from two scales of good and correct values, our discussions are lightened and we both win because nobody feels annulled or criticized. On the contrary, each one grows in his understanding of the other and benefits from a greater appreciation for the person he is and the values ​​he brings. Thanks to this approach, Carlos and I have seen that we can enrich our life as a couple and that of our children trying to live more of his values ​​and also more of mine.